Monday, October 10, 2011

Bedding Dreams

My mom tried her best by shouting and calling me several times from the kitchen which was on ground floor exactly under my room. We called it TV Kuth (TV Room). We had recently moved our black & White television from this room to the one in ground floor just to make some space for my cricket bat and me. Books scattered on the floor, new notebooks tattered into small pocket size dairies [I had big craze for small pocket size dairies]. I was so lost in my dreams that I had no idea of the outer world. I wrapped the blanket around and underneath my body to keep out the cold and to escape from this real world for few moments.


From outside it looked like normal bedding but beneath it was no less than a magical Disneyland. Inside it, I possessed everything that I could imagine of- “Almost everything”. I would become the most powerful human being, as intelligent as my class Monitor. Spiderman, superman and shaktimaans were all my buddies and they would only take orders from me. Doctor jackal, Tamraj kilvish and Zingalu Zunglaa all were scared of me.

I loved spending my time with “Titli” [ Name changed – otherwise real name may create a controversy and consequences may lead to divorce at both the parties.Breaking down Tit-li into two may sound vulgar & equally naughty]. Titli was my classmate and class monitor. She was beautiful. I would help in exams, in her home work. Thanks to the timely aid of my Allaudins genie who would bring her all the question papers so that she can score good marks. I would protect her from those bad boys from fellow OSLA community- [One Sided Lovers Association]. They would never stare at her when I was around.

Mom screamed again- wath eath ha bajaye- come on wakeup its 8 o’clock. Don’t you have to go to the school. I would hide my head under the pillow to escape from her calls and there I slip again into my dreams.
Here I was the fastest bowler on earth, I was the best batsman cricket may have ever produced. I had knocked N number of centuries and N number of times I had won matches for my team. It was only me and everything else was secondary. I was the Rajkumar (Prince) of Naugrah who fell in love with her Titli chandrakanta.

I never lost any of my wars- I still remember that chant -Challoooo Saathiyoo Hamlaaaaa Karoo- and the background music - Tantanaaaan.

Ouch! Who attacked me from behind and kicked my ass? - Tantanaaaan….. Sanikooo hamlaaaaa……
Hyo Sora , You swine- its 9 o’clock and you still sleeping- Dad would say.
Madrass che na gassun? – Don’t you have to go to the school?

His famous ass kick would wake up dead and i was nothing but a living kid – However,I miss those kicks now. I would get ready for school, like always missed my bus. Titli is looking inaccessible in white uniform. My class teacher called me a Nettachoth [Dumbass] and I had my last laugh

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Once upon a time in 2011:




Yassmalik's phone ringing at 9 o'clock in the morning- (munni badnaam huvi darling tere liye- ringtone getting louder)
Since last one hour Yassmalik is inside the bathroom practicing his Urdu speech fully decorated with Kashmiri accent
(Hindostaan Kay Awaam Ko Moolom Hona Chaheyea Kay Kashmir Aaik Mutanaziya Allakaa haay...)
Mrs. Malik: Malik Saab, someone is calling you- 16 miscalls.
Yassmalik: shouts back - Pick it up..Pick it up - if it was Toath (Gheelani) – tell him i am busy on the other line with Barkha Dutt.
Mrs. Malik: Malik Saab, it's Sushma calling-
Yassmalik: Stretching out his arm from the half open door-- pass it to me- Jaldi
Phone rings again- (munni badnaam huvi darling tere liye)- Sushma calling…
Yassmalik: Heyllo… Heyllo… (while caressing his little johny)
Sushma: Salaamwalikum yassji, this is Sushma from delhi.
Yassmalik: Oh! WalikumNamaskar Pushpaji this is Yass malik how are you?
Sushma: fine, what are you doing?
Yassmalik: Shitting...I mean just sitting Pushpaji.
Sushma: Yassji..i am Sushma not Pushpa.
Sushma from Bee Jay Pee.
Yassmalik: Pee? No its shit!
Sushma: You are so rude
Yasmalik: dude? Thankyou! Sushmaji.
Sushma: I am coming to kashmir.
Yassmalik: Kashmir? When? Why? – (mallik wishpers - laanath hai wach)
                 But this is the off season and June is far away.
Sushma: I don’t think you are watching TV these a days.
Yassmalik: Yes I do. There is Sajjad lone everywhere. I heard Karan Johar is signing him in his next flick. Even Toath has got an offer to host Bigboss season-5.
Sushma: I am coming to Shrinagar to hoist indian flag there.
Yassmalik: You? Srinagar? he he he- my ass.
Sushma: What did you say?
Yassmalik: I mean Aman ki aas – Our next memoranda.
Sushma: Thats all bakwaas, be ready I am coming with Triranga on 26th jan.
Yassmalik: 26th jan?Triranga?- Awah Shaalmeeren
Sushma: what?
Yassmalik: Nothing. Nothing- i said don't forget to bring your Shawl- it's very cold here.
Sushma: Salaamwalikum!
Yassmalik: WalikumNamaskar!


Friday, January 14, 2011

Hey aaye aaye!

J&K Government invites applications from Kashmiri domiciles for the appointment of constables in J&K Police Department

Age limit:- 18+

Reservation:-
                        SC (scheduled caste) -  10%
                        ST  (scheduled tribe) - 10%
                        SP  (Stone Pelters)     - 60%
         Children of Ex Sangbaaz Men -  20%


Experience Required:-
#  Candidate should have a minimum 3 years of indepth field knowledge in stone pelting.

#  Candidate should be able to demonstrate the Salsa techniques and body movements in accordance with the rythms of Ragda Ragda!

#  Candidate should match a voice frequency of 14000Hz or more while shouting a high pitch slogan like "Hey Aaye Aaye Aazadi"

Candidate must be fluent in both kashmiri as well as urdu sloganeering with high expertise in "Military wala doodh mai daala phirbi sala kaala hai" &  Jagg borukh baatay goule aayas Ly***"


Remuneration:-
     30% onspot appraisal plus"Khinz".
     *Onspot apprisals are only provided to the candidates from SP catagory based on their previous income earned as a stone pelter.

Note:- Unsucessful candidates are encouraged to actively participate in coming summer stone pelting session named - "Khoon ka badla june mai lengay" .It is a 6 months crash course designed to understand and learn how to handle the critical situations in a gurella warfare.