Thursday, January 27, 2011

Once upon a time in 2011:




Yassmalik's phone ringing at 9 o'clock in the morning- (munni badnaam huvi darling tere liye- ringtone getting louder)
Since last one hour Yassmalik is inside the bathroom practicing his Urdu speech fully decorated with Kashmiri accent
(Hindostaan Kay Awaam Ko Moolom Hona Chaheyea Kay Kashmir Aaik Mutanaziya Allakaa haay...)
Mrs. Malik: Malik Saab, someone is calling you- 16 miscalls.
Yassmalik: shouts back - Pick it up..Pick it up - if it was Toath (Gheelani) – tell him i am busy on the other line with Barkha Dutt.
Mrs. Malik: Malik Saab, it's Sushma calling-
Yassmalik: Stretching out his arm from the half open door-- pass it to me- Jaldi
Phone rings again- (munni badnaam huvi darling tere liye)- Sushma calling…
Yassmalik: Heyllo… Heyllo… (while caressing his little johny)
Sushma: Salaamwalikum yassji, this is Sushma from delhi.
Yassmalik: Oh! WalikumNamaskar Pushpaji this is Yass malik how are you?
Sushma: fine, what are you doing?
Yassmalik: Shitting...I mean just sitting Pushpaji.
Sushma: Yassji..i am Sushma not Pushpa.
Sushma from Bee Jay Pee.
Yassmalik: Pee? No its shit!
Sushma: You are so rude
Yasmalik: dude? Thankyou! Sushmaji.
Sushma: I am coming to kashmir.
Yassmalik: Kashmir? When? Why? – (mallik wishpers - laanath hai wach)
                 But this is the off season and June is far away.
Sushma: I don’t think you are watching TV these a days.
Yassmalik: Yes I do. There is Sajjad lone everywhere. I heard Karan Johar is signing him in his next flick. Even Toath has got an offer to host Bigboss season-5.
Sushma: I am coming to Shrinagar to hoist indian flag there.
Yassmalik: You? Srinagar? he he he- my ass.
Sushma: What did you say?
Yassmalik: I mean Aman ki aas – Our next memoranda.
Sushma: Thats all bakwaas, be ready I am coming with Triranga on 26th jan.
Yassmalik: 26th jan?Triranga?- Awah Shaalmeeren
Sushma: what?
Yassmalik: Nothing. Nothing- i said don't forget to bring your Shawl- it's very cold here.
Sushma: Salaamwalikum!
Yassmalik: WalikumNamaskar!


Friday, January 14, 2011

Hey aaye aaye!

J&K Government invites applications from Kashmiri domiciles for the appointment of constables in J&K Police Department

Age limit:- 18+

Reservation:-
                        SC (scheduled caste) -  10%
                        ST  (scheduled tribe) - 10%
                        SP  (Stone Pelters)     - 60%
         Children of Ex Sangbaaz Men -  20%


Experience Required:-
#  Candidate should have a minimum 3 years of indepth field knowledge in stone pelting.

#  Candidate should be able to demonstrate the Salsa techniques and body movements in accordance with the rythms of Ragda Ragda!

#  Candidate should match a voice frequency of 14000Hz or more while shouting a high pitch slogan like "Hey Aaye Aaye Aazadi"

Candidate must be fluent in both kashmiri as well as urdu sloganeering with high expertise in "Military wala doodh mai daala phirbi sala kaala hai" &  Jagg borukh baatay goule aayas Ly***"


Remuneration:-
     30% onspot appraisal plus"Khinz".
     *Onspot apprisals are only provided to the candidates from SP catagory based on their previous income earned as a stone pelter.

Note:- Unsucessful candidates are encouraged to actively participate in coming summer stone pelting session named - "Khoon ka badla june mai lengay" .It is a 6 months crash course designed to understand and learn how to handle the critical situations in a gurella warfare.